Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
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I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
The devil.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.