Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time