Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
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party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
(Musicians.)
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
