Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.