Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
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Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
shakira sharkira
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.