Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
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oh sorry i cant im busy that day
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
why would tinder want me to say this
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
🤣could you imagine
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”