Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
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Lunatics are gonna loon.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
me when i smell free food in the break room
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
But I really needed water water water
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.