Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

accurate