Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
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3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
me adding lol on a serious message
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie