Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

My plans: 2020:

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

me after drinking all the wine:

It has been 3 years since Monday.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression