Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.