Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I’m aging like a fine banana
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Try and stop me.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now