Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
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Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE