Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
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[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
is it too early for christmas memes
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me checking my bank balance online.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
placebo pills? more like sike meds