How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
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*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Nice try, NASA
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?