Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did