Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Another day, another…goddammit
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
The 6 types of sex
