Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.