Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
not seeing the problem
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.