growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
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Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”
Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.