Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
