Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
thinking about a very short hotdog
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Truth
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
