Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Drilling for oil is well boring.

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Velcrow

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.