growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
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It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!