Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

Jail

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

mood

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips