growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Got a light
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
🤣
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!