Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
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Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
making my dog give me my pills
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words