Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

Breaking news:

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔