Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Life hack
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.