Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

“our sushi is very fresh”

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

Okay

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.