Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.