Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
dutch is not a serious language
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
black phone good
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Hmm, not sure about this change
