Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads