growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
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When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I think I’m gonna be sick
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?