growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
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Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that