Growing up was a huge mistake
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I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating