Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
It do be feeling this way.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
uncle dave has been through hell
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.