Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.
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Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
“HELP WITH CAT”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.