I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.
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Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
911: What is your emergency?
911: Riley, is that you?
911: Listen carefully, that firefighter asked to be transferred.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!