Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
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I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie