@BillyWayneDavis

Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.

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@Darlainky

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

@That_Damn_Duck

Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women

@JillianKarger

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

@figgled

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

@Angibangie

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

@Twtercide

911: What is your emergency?

Me: Fire

911: Riley, is that you?

Me:….

911: Listen carefully, that firefighter asked to be transferred.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!