@BillyWayneDavis

Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.

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@pmclellan

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

@ch000ch

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

@13spencer

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

@MensHumor

Obviously you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the meaning of ignorance!

@bellicosejason

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

@daemonic3

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

@Reverend_Scott

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.