Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?