Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
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Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Childbirth is so beautiful
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
That’s commitment
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
uncle dave has been through hell
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.