Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
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put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim