#growingpains
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If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
At least try to make it slightly believable