#growingpains
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The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?