#growingpains
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Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
My Sentiments Exactly
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?