#growingpains
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#MeanwhileinCanada
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.