*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
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me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Lmao
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there