*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
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Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.