*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
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If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.