@krisv_723

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

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@OhighIsis

Mom called to ask if I’d take her shopping.

Me: What time?

Mom: Anytime between 1-4.

Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.

@lloydrang

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

@Robski_Boy

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

@Shock_Monster

If I could go back in time & change any event that would alter the course of history:

I probably wouldn’t have super sized that fry order.

@Brampersandon_

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

@Marlebean

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

@thenatewolf

ME IN PUBLIC: I don’t believe in ghosts.

ME WHEN I’M ALONE AND HEAR ANY CREAK IN THE HOUSE: Pappy?

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

@lildandeli0n

*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*