Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.