Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
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Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I want to meet the individual who made this
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Found the job I’m suited for
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.