Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.