* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
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My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Wikigenius
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”