Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Mad Max: Furry Road

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

Look Ma, no handle on things

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??