Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

Happy Friday

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

My dad is at it again

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.