Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
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Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!