Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
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I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My purse is deeper than some people.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
i choose….tongue
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS