Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
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GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems