Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
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I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today