Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
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Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Does this dress make me look cat?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I’m not proud
