Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
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Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
From Facebook just now…
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.