Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
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#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.