Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
You Might Also Like
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
do u think theres a butter planet?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
2 years later
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
saving face 👀
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.