Guantanamo Bae
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Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’