Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

I did not eat the cake…

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.