guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
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me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
So many people to disappoint, so little time
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
sometimes we need to be reminded
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”