Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
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Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
they really do be looking like this
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Some people were born into their job.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.