Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
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Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
There is no “we” in pizza
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.