Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.